I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
