i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
