...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
