I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
