I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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