literally had 100 drinks last night.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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