Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
