How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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