my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
