Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
