I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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