It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
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She bit a glass in half.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
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Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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