So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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