Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
