Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
how can u be prego again
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
