You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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