After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
