epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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