I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
worst night to have a conscience
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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