she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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