Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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