it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
