I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
