Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
