Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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