i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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