Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
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