i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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