So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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