I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
