Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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