No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
