We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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