I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
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i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
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I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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