Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
