I'm lost and stupid without you.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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