matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
