Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
