Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.