I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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