Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Sorry my hands just texted you
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Someone signed my nipple.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
