It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
