god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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