when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
