Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
