billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Houston, we have a blender
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
