I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
