Are we in a gay sports bar?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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