Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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