I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
How drunk are you?
Completed.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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