Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
