and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
