Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
