He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
