I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
im holly from the hills drunk
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
