all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
