I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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